TELL ME WHAT TO FEEL

When I was told I was moving here
I felt excited, my chest heavy with a mix of anxiety and a sense of adventure
The same feeling I felt when I moved to roswell just for a year
A year filled with so much joy, playing video games and living with my cousin
Baseball came around and my older brother was on the team
My uncle coached the Rockets
That year they went to state
And my brother brought home from Albuquerque a state title and a ring
Then I went back to Texas
Rekindled old friendships, but it was not to last
One more car ride, a stop at a football camp for my other brother
I shook the hand of Paten Manning my mom talked to him about the mundane foundations of football
A week later, I was at a rental in Alabama
A new school, new friends
The fall was pretty, the trees turning its hues from green to red and yellow. 3 years go by, a relative bliss
I had a friend, she sat in front of me in math
Her boyfriends best friend took his own life
The school was in shock
I was in shock
I never heard of anyone dying, besides my great grandparents
Yet here I was, listing to my friend talk about the struggles of her boyfriend
I didn’t know what to feel
Should I feel sad about someone I never knew?
I care obviously, I’m not a heartless person
But so far removed from this person’s life, it felt rude to weep for someone I never knew
Like my tears would wash away his memory and replace it with my own pity
That friendship didn’t last till the end of the year
My edgy humor got on her nerves
She stopped talking to me, a mistake I do regret
But a few months later
I was in the south west down in a city most will never know exist
In a state some didn’t think was a state
This time, my brother was a coach
My uncle the head coach of the Knights
My cousin the pitcher
We shared a room, both of us brought our powerful computers.
Another year of video games and fun, and hopefully a state title
Then
First it was a football player
A freak accident on the football field
A school in mourning
His number on wristbands and the school billboard
A candle light vigil
When he died, it was the same feeling as before
Should I weep for someone I never knew?
Is it right for me to feel sad?
Or is it just removing the weight of his passing, and wallowing in my self pitty.
I remember someone in the hallway, who played guitar
I talked to him once or twice
I sat and listened a few times
I remember him in the mornings
I remember him when i was leaving for lunch
Christmas break was around the corner
I waited for my friend, we were talking.
I had to take home my little cousin
I met up with her, we got in my car
On the way out we saw the cop cars
Later on her social media she knew what had happend
Someone was ran over, who was that someone?
No name on the post
The following days I never got a name
Weeks go by, no name.
The athlete had a vigil
This John Doe had nothing
I talked to my friend about it
He said he knew who it was
He said he played guitar in the hallway
I put the pieces together, yet still unsure to this day if it was the same person I knew
But after that day, I never heard that guitar anymore.
Can I be sad?
Who ever this was never got a mural, never got a vigil. If they did I was never aware
What should I feel?
Should I be angry they never had the school rally around them
Why did it seem like no one cared?
Was the grief already spent?
For this I’ll never really know.
I expected a repeat of that year in roswell
My cousin would go to win a state title
Instead they lost in the first round
No state title, no ring
All it left me was a destain for high school sports
And a hatred for this city.