“down, dance, neck, up”

So they send you a hey let’s go out again sometime if you’re free soon
and you’ve been just canceling again and again because you’re just too much man
to just tell someone you’re not that into someone anymore, but today’s the day I help you end it

Find some factor that is absolute, unarguable.
He says, You’re younger than me.
That works, we are 4 years apart, good.
Now tell the problem, what you need
to get out of. This one can be a weaker-
You’re less experienced, too soft, not serious
enough.
Yeah. Yeah, that’s perfect. It doesn’t even matter if those
are even real problems, because you know being soft
never matter when you’re making out
but I guess it does matter holding hands
in a Barnes and Noble, your friends frequent.
Explain now, why?
I’m just looking for someone who can
intellectually relate to me more in a relationship.
You know? No
not the time for a question yet. Hold off on that,
instead soften the blow.
But we should still stay friends, you’re still
really cool.
Just like that, yes!

Now wait for a response, maybe they send

• For sure, thanks for letting me know –
  Damn, no exclamation mark?
  They must hate you, or be trying to give
  you the illusion they hate you.

Either way, all you need to do
is just really not care and
say that you do still want to do the thing
they asked you to do, now that the obligation
is gone. Oh
and don’t respond
till at least(!) 24 hours after
they sent you their text even though
they’ve always responded within an hour
But yes we’ll need to hangout
soon, maybe we can have a Pokémon battle
That reference to a text a month ago that you ignored,
what a perfect touch. God, you’re so good at this,
what did you need my help for?

~~~

“Save the Cows”

All I’ve known since yesterday: your cowboy boots are fake leather, and my cold sore is popping back out on my bottom lip. Now, I’m waiting for the stage where it looks like the funkiest, malformed-est blister in the mirror at 3 AM as I text you,
you can’t come over right now.
It’s because of the cold sore. Everyone gets them, or like 97.9% or something entirely ridiculous like that, and I can’t tell you that’s why you can’t come over because you’ll launch that stat at me saying, it’s okay.
But you wear FAKE cowboy boots and fuzzy sweaters all the time, so don’t talk about how anything is ever okay. Don’t talk about the cold sore on my lip unless you can kiss it better in fake leather.

~~~