The solid beams and poles that support society
are made of cottage cheese, mostly.

It’s not penis or Washington Monument.
It’s penis and Washington Monument.

Personally
I’m betting the ozone
doesn’t affect me
personally.

People have said to me, you can’t write songs.
You can’t play an instrument. But I’ve got
10 gold records, said Sonny Bono.

Several cavemen
who were supposed to be out killing
just sat around
under a huge cottonwood
swatting flies and gnats,
flicking fleas and ants,
feeling sorry for themselves
about the heat.

I have a 6-ounce box of feta cheese.
It says Masterfully Authentic on the side.

There’s a crack in the great clevis of my gullibility.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with yours.

In his man cave
when he’s not crying and masturbating,
he’s streaming Phish.

I wish I didn’t know your language
so I could hear your words
as pure music.

Cavemen masturbated unabashedly
when they woke prematurely
at the lip of the cave.

Anything I say, only half believe.

They say your body’s 60% water.

There’s my great grampa with a Bowie knife.
On his buckskin pants he wipes the blood
from our collective blade.
Clean—it flashes white in the sun.

Never buy used knives.
Who knows
who they’ve been inside?

AJ has a jacket his gramma
made from an Egyptian rug.
It’s thick and there’s
dead grass in the fringes.
I can’t purchase it on the internet.
It’s an intergalactic crisis.

We all love the environment,
but we have placed creatures above people.
A rat is a rat, said Sonny Bono.

Do you ever wonder if you pledged your gender to the wrong agenda
sometime before you were born?

It’s amazing men have accomplished so much
building and killing in this world
when all the while they could have been
masturbating.

Have you ever masturbated in a hammock while a deer looked on?

Just because you’ve never seen a vegan zombie
doesn’t mean there’s no such thing.

I’ve walked a mile in 0.0000614% of America’s shoes.
That’s 200 people.

Lewis Warsh says, you have to blame someone
when something goes wrong.

You’d be amazed how less pathetic this feels
with a gun.

A man washing dishes by hand
is like a dishwasher with a mind.

I’m standing outside the Village Inn
with Clint Eastwood
and a hologram of Sonny Bono.
We’re the armed guards.

I wish every month I bled from my dick.
I wish I could turn my boner
into something else besides a boner
for 3 to 5 days a month.
I’m sure to flinch the first
flash flood of stringy blood
sluicing out of me.
I want to see my dick that way.

Jay-Z cancelled his concert in El Paso.

My favorite part of The Great Chicago Fire
is how the flame, after 3 long days,
leapt back inside
Mrs. O’Leary’s lantern.

Cher wanted to be an entertainer
more than I’ve seen anybody
want to be an entertainer
in my life, said Sonny Bono.

A faint birthmark above your collarbone I find for the first time
and glance away.

If anybody asks,
that’s what happened to the berries.

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