Jack in the Box

If I believed in the devil
–And I don’t—
I’d say it was he
That makes me
Pop out now and then.

I killed a man three years ago
Because he cut me off at a traffic light
And if there’s a devil
He takes care of his own:
I never so much as got a call from the police.

And I didn’t actually kill my wife
Just didn’t pick her up
When she took a freak fall
With her favorite sewing scissors
And bled out gasping on the floor
While I sat beside her
With my chin on my fist
And drank a can of diet Coke.

The cops were suspicious (it’s their job)
But they didn’t have a shred of evidence
And these days everybody has life insurance.

I moved to St. Thomas
And married a little girl,
Good-hearted and half my age.

Got more insurance,
A lot this time,
And made sure to tell my doctor
I thought she was suicidal.

I waited ten months
Then sailed out twenty miles
And pushed her overboard.

I sailed home and ran a 5K
To help autistic kids.

When they found her
They did an autopsy.

I had no idea she was pregnant
But it wouldn’t have changed anything.

Now I’m a rich man.
I sit on the little porch
With the best scotch
And the best cigar
And turn one question
Over and over in my mind:
What’s my next adventure?

APRIL 2017